Let me share you my fantasy 101. This is NFL’s greatest achievement. This is marketing ingenuity at its best. They’ve concocted a way to get the regular Joes, who knows nothing of this sport, to familiarize with the sport by connecting it with a game. We’re men, we’re easily pleased plus it doesn’t take much to get us excited. Neanderthal days, fire, fun! Present day, fantasy football, fun! It’s a horse a kind!
I’ve been plagued as the “losiest” loser in my league. I have this two pronged approach to playing fantasy football: I’m a winner even if I lose, and I’m a winner if I win. Sounds confusing, yep, damn right! It’s a psychological game. I prey on fear! I win in the game of intimidation coercing my every move. I’ll be yappin’ when I lose, yep you guessed it right, I’ll be yappin’ when I win.
I hear the mantras, “Oh snaps, Jerry’s here!” It happens every time when I step on the stage. Or, “Damn shit, you don’t want Jerry hearing ‘bout that!” I can go on forever with the other hundreds of phrases, but y’all don’t want to hear me speak fluently in French. I apologize, so excuse me my fellow reader for the vulgar language, but it is fantasy football in the making.
I got a face that you all know too well. You guys probably know me as that obnoxious loud friend strutting with that egotistical sway that people just don’t want to confront. And oh so sweet, the pride of being coined the moniker, the number one smack talker is just the icing on the cake. Wait, there’s more, on this sabbatical day of Sunday I can envision my league of friends quietly chanting, or mentally Jedi brain fucking me with words of unpleasantries: “Fuck you Jerry, it’s KARMA baby. Remember, what goes around comes around!?!”
Enough said about all the mumbo jumbos of frivolous smack talks. Let me delve into one of the most entertaining days of my year—I have no life, I know—draft day! What can I say about draft day—rhetorical? Draft day is an adrenaline rushing, blood pumping high that’s only describable to all the peeps that plays fantasy football. Nonetheless, I was feeling like that low hanging fruit that’s waiting to be picked—too easy.
Draft order was random, we all drew a card from a pile numbered from 1 through 12. Unfortunately with my luck, I’ve picked up the number 9 in a fantasy draft team of twelve players. Here’s my line up in a snake draft, with my group of coterie, in the fantasy football league known as the “League of Ordinary Gentlemen.”
Round 1: Rashard Mendenhall, Pittsburgh, RB
Round 2: Frank Gore, San Francisco, RB
Round 3: Mike Wallace, Pittsburgh, WR
Round 4: Mike Williams, Tampa Bay, WR
Round 5: Marques Colston, New Orlean, WR
Round 6: Ryan Grant, Green Bay, RB
Round 7: Eli Manning, New York Giants, QB
Round 8: Michael Crabtree, San Francisco, WR
Round 9: Donald Driver, Green Bay, WR
Round 10: Thomas Jones, Kansas City, RB
Round 11: Donald Brown, Indianapolis, RB
Round 12: Marcedes Lewis, Jacksonville, TE
Round 13: Chris Cooley, Washington, TE
Round 14: San Francisco Forty-Niners Defense
Round 15: Nate Kaeding, San Diego, K
I know I’m cursed, but there’s gotta be someone like me to make it interesting. I play the role that no one wants to, but everyone needs. My role leads to the exciting magic that happens every SUNDAY. With me, I keep it fresh and fun. With me, they need more than they think. Without me, it’ll be kinda boring to say the least. I’ll hate, but it’s a hate with love. While others that would hate will hate with a bona fide passion. You’ll love me, you’ll hate me, however in the end it’s Sunday and it’s just another day of fantasy football.
Signing out Jerry@hmoodle.com.