Blia Yang’s Life Story Part 2

I was in year 9 and 2nd term was just starting. My boyfriend (my crush) was in uni… we missed each other more often as we couldn’t really see each other as how we use to.. So one day my boyfriend (my crush) didn’t have uni and he asked me to wagged school and go on a trip with him… It was the first time I’ve ever done anything beyond this as my parents were very Hmongy and really strict so I was scared, but I missed him too and all I knew was I wanted to see him. So that day I wagged school. He took me to a beautiful park garden with beautiful flowers everywhere, 3 hours drive from where we live, in a small town called Toowoomba. (He could drive now and had just recently bought a car) In the afternoon he stopped by a place near the coast where all us Hmong peoples used to go there on holidays to pick green mangoes. There won’t any mangoes left so he leaded me into the forest. That was how I lost my virginity :S I was scared…

Everything happened so fast, and I couldn’t say NO! I didn’t know how to say no, or what to do… All I could think of was the pain. It hurt so much, and I just cried. The next minute everything was over. I couldn’t walk or even sit down the pain was beyoung what I’ve ever experienced before. I was so scared that my parents would find out. My dad would kill me (my mother has always lectured us girls about this kind of stuffs), but now look at me, look what I’ve done… Guilt was all over me. I regretted so much coming on this trip with him. And all I said to him was, “koj ua pem rau kuv tav lawn ces koj yuas txus yuav kuv xwb” (you’ve done bad to me, so you have to marry me)

And he told me to not worry and he’ll promise to marry me only. For a few days I avoided my parents because I couldn’t do the things I would normally do, even urinating was painful. A few weeks later he asked me to meet him at the park and run away with him. So I told him that if he loved me and respected my parents, he should come and Qi tsev hais kuv” (married me the respected traditional Hmong way where the guy’s clan comes ask her parents for her hand in married). But instead he said, “Koj tsis yuav kuv kes koj yuav tsis pom kuv ntsib lawn” (you don’t marry me then you won’t see me anymore)

 

I was so scared that I’ll lose him, and now that I’ve lost my body to him, I felt like I had no other choice but to marry him, so I agreed and we ran away together. My parents didn’t agree to us marriage and tried to get me back, but I didn’t want to come back… My parents wanted to make the wedding hard but they knew that if bad turns worse and my husband’s clan flee, I would flee after them too, so they just left it…

We were already married and had finished our wedding… We were happy and very much in love (well that’s what I thought) He was the oldest son so I, as his wife, had to learn how to manage the house whole as a true Hmong house wife at the age of 15 As I wasn’t the oldest back when I was still living with my biology parents I didn’t get to do as much house work as my oldest sister and I guess my mother-in-law hated me for that.. I would have to wake up at 4am every morning and cook rice the old fashion way for my inlaws to pack for lunch as they work at the farm, and then cook breakfast for them.  Dad in-law (a Sharman) eats different food from the rest of the family cause he was sick so I had to cook separate dishes. After I had to prepare lunch for me and my husband’s brothers for school and make our breakfast too… It was working non-stop for me, but I didn’t mind one bit… There was this one time when I stayed up late just doing my assignments and so in the morning while I was cooking rice, I was tired so I thought I’ll rest my eyes for a little while and went lay down on the couch, but instead woke up to my mother inlaw screaming at me cause the rice was burnt :S There were also this one time when (you know how after you finish cooking the rice and you transfer it onto a (fav tawg) large straining bowl, but instead of putting the fav tawg on a plate; I placed it on top of a small bowl, and when I pour  rice onto the fav tawg… The fav tawg flew off the kitchen bench and the rice went all over the bench top :O “Bad timing too” :S my parent inlaw were both sitting at the dinner table aswel and saw everything, so I got a big lecture from it (no wonder my mum inlaw hated me lol) On the weekends I would spend the whole morning just washing everyone’s clothes by hand using an an older version washing machine, which it was a struggle everyday… The moment I got home I had to start cleaning up the house, water the garden and then prepare dinner and because my inlaws sells vege’s at the markets too, every Saturday I had to clean, tidy and pack the vegies for them cause the inlaws were farming and didn’t have time, but I didn’t mind any of this as my husband was all that I ever wanted and needed… The inlaws told me all the rules of the house hold the moment I came into their family, and that I had to respect and honoured my husband head and by doing so I had to find clothes for him, wipe his face and wash his hands and feet every night. I was still young and dumb and didn’t know what I should and shouldn’t do, so I just did everything they told me to do… There were even times when I didn’t come prepare dinner sooner and my mother inlaw was at the kitchen cooking already so I asked her, “is there’s anything for me to do” (in Hmong) And she would reply in a very angry tone that, “I’ll do it myself” (in Hmong)

I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t just go back and sit down, it would be awkward, so I just stood there beside the fridge, and mins later my husband would come back from uni and hit me on my head saying “why aren’t I helping mum”, but I didn’t know what to say. Mother inlaw was there but she didn’t say anything and made it seem like it was my fault L and my husband would lecture me saying I don’t do anything in the house, but he never care to ask if I did or didn’t cause he was never home to know the truth :.(.. A while after all this, my husband started going out alot with his friends, and later everyone found out that he was gambling and was smoking (back then not alot of Hmong peoples do thus bad stuffs so that was a big thing in the Hmong community, and because he used to be the most respected guy in town when he was still single, his bad reputation was known everywhere)… I would miss my husband everyday, and my mother inlaw would tell me that they don’t like nyab’s that’s always following their son’s or nyab’s that’s always with their son’s cause it’s not good too the oldies eyes, and only night time that nyab’s and son’s can be together, that’s why the bed is there… After a few months in married I got pregnant, but I still continue to go to school as I wanted to at least complete year 10 so I could have my year 10’s certificate.

The year 2000 came and my goals were just to finish year 10. My husband’s sister just recently got married and life became more harder for me cause I couldn’t go anywhere or have anyone to talk to since she was the only girl left and the only one keeping me company… There would be times when the whole family including my husband all went out to eat restaurant and left me home alone, and I would hold my tears back until they’ve left…

Things were getting complicated at school too as my stomach got bigger and the students in my classes treated me like a disease, everyone would run away from me when I walk by and some would tease me and carry their bags on the front saying “look here I’m pregnant”, pretending to walk like a pregnant women, and the other’s would laugh and say “chin chong china girl” and many many more… One time my teacher saw how the other students were teasing me so he helped me and reported to the principle and advised me to have home schooling for the mean time. But life wasn’t getting any easier as I had to juggling between home schooling and being a Hmong nyab. I slacked off and in the end I couldn’t complete my assignments on time and so I had to drop out of school when it was near my dew date… Every now and then, when I felt so alone and sad I would go stay in the toilet and just cry and pray to heaven… I thought my husband loved me but I guess I was mistaken because everything was always about his family”… I would ask him from time to time that “I needed to know if he loved me”, and he would just laugh and call me crazy :.(..  It made me felt so lonely and I missed my parents and siblings so much… Even thus my biology parents lives 15 mins walk from our house, I weren’t even allowed to go visit them, and only seen them once since the wedding…

A few days later my inlaws left to go to Laos, because dad inlaw was sick and they needed to seek for Hmong medicine. A few weeks later I gave birth to my beautiful daughter on the 6/6/00. I decide to call her Honey so she would bring sweetness into my life again and her name was the symbol of my sweet innocent love I once shared with her father… After giving birth to my daughter I was weak and very tired, but my husband was never home, and I would have to cook my own food. There would be times when he didn’t even come back home for days… After my 1 months thingy was over and I was back to myself again, I felt so lonely and was longing for my husband’s kind words and the warmth of his heart.. so I cheated on him :S… My husband was chatting on an online Hmong chat with a Hmong girl, (cyber sex) but I was there with him too (it was so extreme).. So when he left for work (he works as a baker at night aswel as uni just to have income to be able to support us and mostly for gambling). He didn’t log out from his chat, so I decided to go try since I couldn’t sleep… I knew I was married so I went chat for fun with the same last name as mine (we only sweet talked to each other), and because of my stupidity I didn’t know how to log out instead I only minimized the widow, thinking I closed it and went to bed… Next morning I woke up to my husband sitting at the computer desk reading through our conversation. My heart stopped for a bit and I started shaking. I was so scared that I might lose him forever so I just cried. His parents got back from Laos a few days later and so he told them, and mum inlaw lectured me and said, “in the future when you have alot of kids, your husband will go cheat on you for you to look, and you wouldn’t be able to do anything so you’ll feel like you wanna die but can’t die too” (in Hmong)

After that incident I never once did it ever again. Yes my life was hard but “CHEATING” was a stupid way out of married. So everytime I felt lonely or sad I would just read his love letters he wrote to me when we were single, and it was the only strength and encouragement that keeps me going…

A few months passed I was finally visiting my parents for the first time in a very long time, which seems to me like eternity. The moment I got to my parents gate, my tears just keep coming. I couldn’t stop them from coming, I missed my parent’s soo much, which made my parents worried about my married life. My husband was there with me too, and I guess it offended him… Because I haven’t visited my parents for a while they decided to kill chickens for the family to eat together, and so when we were leaving, my mother packed 2 chickens for us to take home. But because my husband was offended by how I cried, later that night when I was sleeping my husband came and woke me up and took me into our inlaws bedroom (my father inlaw went back to Laos for more Hmong medicines) so there was only my husband and his mother. They both gave me a big lectured and insisted me to tell them if I’ve big mouth any of them to my biology parents.  As I was still young and dumb I told them that I did (even thus I’ve told my mum all my hardships I went through my mother never once took my side, cause she said it’s something I needed to overcome myself, and it’s common for all Hmong nyabs, and that it was a choice I did myself for marring him and didn’t listen to them).. My mother was an orphan which she grew up experiencing more hardship worser than what we could ever imagine. My father on the other hand was a orphan in a way, as his father (my grandfather) was killed during the Vietnam War so she (our grandmother) was forced to marry his younger brother, my father’s step dad (our step grandfather) which my father himself also lived and went through a life full of hardship too (and that’s another story)…

My husband was mad after what I told him and wanted me to get on my knees and beg his mother for forgiveness. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do next but cry and cry (Oh gosh I was such a cry baby back then). They lectured me all night till 3 in the morning, and even thus I went to bed I couldn’t even sleep, and my husband on the other hand slept on the couch in the living room… The next morning, I came out of my bedroom and saw my mother inlaw sitting by the home phone crying and if the phone rings, she would answer it crying, and tell them why she was crying.  Later when my husband and his mother left and went somewhere, I decided I have to leave them. I couldn’t stay with this family like this anymore… I couldn’t sleep at all last night and even considered begging my mother inlaw for forgiveness, but after all the crying and bullshit stuffs she said on the phone (my husband even cried with her too)… I knew I couldn’t possibly live with him; a person who’s not willing to protect me and look for what’s right before he acted… So when my husband took my mother inlaw out somewhere, I took that opportunity and ran away with my baby girl to my parent’s house…

As I got to my parents house, my parents were so thankful to see me. They told me, last night just after we left; my husband went back over and gave my mother some money for the chicken. But my mother didn’t want the money. So he started complaining that “I was lazy and I didn’t know what to do or how to do anything, and he always has to tell me everything, and he didn’t know why I cried”… and my mother explain to him that “yau ua niam txiv nyob ces, ib leej yeej yuav ntxus txib ib leej thiab zoo” (being a married couple, one have to teach one another for it to be good)

But he wasn’t satisfied so he kept on complaining and my mother could see that he was getting angry at my mother, so she said,  “tsis paub sab neb ua li cas rau nws lawn xwb” (don’t know what you did to her) and my mother started calling out for my dad. “koj txiv es av si tawv tau, voos tau nres tes meej lawv os (husband come out, son inlaw is looking for trouble)

My husband got scared so he left and went back home, before my dad even came out…

I was so shock after hearing all this, I couldn’t believe why would he do such things when he himself expected me to bow down on my knees and apologies to his mother for all thus heartless things they’ve done to me :.(.. Later my parents and their relatives had a meeting, but because I just ran away myself I had to do all saying’s myself and there’s nothing they could do but advised me to go back cause it’s not like I was hit badly by my husband and was dripping blood. My dad cry so hard that night cause he himself as a father to me, couldn’t even help his daughter when I needed him most…. And at that moment, standing there, hearing my father’s cries… It felt like a bullets were piercing through my heart, one after another…. I knew myself that I have done great wrong to my parents, telling them how my life was, running back to them… I was no longer their daughter anymore, but a wife of my husband’s clans….

My husband came over multiple times to get me back, but my parents told him to bring his relatives then they’ll give me back… There was one time when he even bought my folder, which I kept his love letters in, and he even gave me a cassette tape that he recorded, how he missed me… And it made me missed him more and it hurt so much… I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t want to live in a life torture…

Because I’ve never once voiced my own opinions about my feelings, I didn’t know how or what I should say :S and so, on the day my husband and his kwv tij (relatives) came get me back, my words won’t powerful enough against my side clans and my husband’s side clans, so they demanded me to go back after my husband vows never to miss tread me again (But my years of darkness did not end there) I had no other choice but to return back to him cause I was already his people… Ever since then his heart was so cold towards me… He never looked at me or spoke to me, and when he wanted *** he would finished his business and push me away…

I am so dumb, and I’m so stupid. My parents ain’t helping me and I can’t even help myself, so I made a promise to myself, that day I came back to him, that no matter how hard life is with him, I’m gonna live as his people and die as his clans…

Girls, Wives out there, PLEASE I’ll say, if you’s think you can’t succeed in running away from your husband, then please don’t try, cause it’ll just be another reason for them to hate you and torture you more :.(..

The year has started again and my daughter was 7 months old, so I enrolled back to school to at least finish year 10, but unfortunately on the first day of school I was vomiting again and later found out I was pregnant again. I was sad but I thought it was fate so I just let it be. I started working towards getting my career job as a “Beauty Therapy”. To be qualify for it I had to have a standard understanding of English and Maths including my year 10’s certificate… But because the course was $7.000, so my husband and inlaws didn’t approve and told me to be a, stay at home mum, so I had to drop out of school to look after my baby girl…

As my daughter got to the stage where she was starting to walk and at that stage she would fall over often and hurt herself, everytime she did so, my husband would hit me cause I didn’t watch her carefully, and my mother inlaw would be there but all she said was “it was your fault so don’t cry, if it was your biology father then you would have been beaten worser then this” (my biology mother once told a story a long time ago of my dad hitting her cause my brother got injured) but still it was so sad hearing thus words :.(..  Every time when things go wrong, I would get the blame, it was my fault and that I purposely did it and constantly gets hit while I was pregnant… 2 months after giving birth to my son in 2001 , I found out I was pregnant again, so I cried and cried (I know you’re supposed to be happy but I wasn’t)… so after my 3rd child in 2002 my husband’s gambling went worser and there would be times when we couldn’t even afford nappies for our children’s, and whenever I tell him to stop gambling he would hit me and kick me… And when I get sick, very sick to the point I couldn’t get out of bed for a whole day, he wouldn’t even bother checking on me but just shouts and lectures me and pull me out of bed saying that I was just lying and it’s an insult to his parents if I didn’t get up. He hated me so much, and for 2 years he didn’t want to touch me or share the same bed with me, and everytime I went and hug him he would just push me away…

Because I didn’t know of other ways to discipline my children’s, and so I would smack them whenever they’ve misbehave (our only way of discipline)… My mother inlaw favour’s my son over my daughters and she would constantly gives him packets of lollies, or when he didn’t want to eat food and just wanted to drink soft drinks my mother inlaw would just allow him. Everyday he would suffers from stomach aches and I would have to massage it to make it better. He was very skinny, and my inlaws would say that it’s because I hit him too much that’s why his skinny… I could never brush his teeth cause he’ll always run to his grandma for help, and she would just lectures me constantly (since the age of 2 his teethes were all rotten, we took out 6 of his back teethes at the age of 3, and now his 9 years old and his teethes has not even grow back)… There would be times when the kids were naughty so she tells me to hit them, and when I do, she would say to my kids, “Mummy pem os, txob hlub mummy pem kaij, maub mummy tauj kaij” (mummy bad, don’t love mummy bad, go hit mummy)

I knew very well that my inlaws did not like me, so the worse thing for me was having them hating on my kids too… So I didn’t care much back then and just pretend I didn’t hear anything, blocking my ears, or turning a blind eye, because all I wanted is for them to love my kids… But now I realised I’ve mistaken. I needed to stand up, and teach my kids the right way to living their life, I didn’t want my son’s to grow up being like their dad (a mummy’s boy), and thinking it’s alright to treat girls/wife’s with disrespect, all because his a Hmong guy, I didn’t want my daughters to grow up thinking it’s normal to be treated unfairly by Hmong guys/husbands… I didn’t want my kids growing up with rotten/bad teeth’s and have low self esteems about themself… I’ve also showed my husband many times what’s the cause of teeth decay, and asked him multiple times to explain it to his mother… He tried a little, but because he didn’t want to offend his mother he told me it’s best to just leave it…

After giving birth to my 4th child in 2005, I attempted suicide…

It started when I took my son to brush his teeth, as directed my our dentist, but he didn’t want to and so I smack my son, and he ran to his grandma, so I got very angry and I said,

“Niam koj peej Kwb Kwb me yuam li kos es nws thiaj pem pem los mas” (Mum you’re always nurturing him and having his way like that, that’s why his so bad)

My mother inlaw got offended and started crying and said she’ll never love or hold any of my kids ever again… It went from small to big, and all my husband’s relatives got called over by my mother inlaw to witness the event… I was so nerves and didn’t expect it so sudden. In the end I couldn’t explain myself clearly and everyone turned against me, and I became the bad person in everyone’s eye’s… A few weeks later my life wasn’t getting any better, so I stole $100 from my husband’s wallet while he was sleeping (ever since I married them my mother inlaw has always kept our money/savings, and she would give the money to my husband only cause I was always home and I didn’t need to spend money).

I ran away from home to an alcohol shop and bought 2 bottles of 700ml Jim Bean and took a bus to the city (Southbank) I sat beside the river bank and started drinking, tears were falling like waterfall and I looked out into the dark night sky and cried, “Kuv thov txib os kuv niam thiab kuv txiv, kuv uas tsis tau ib leeg ntxias zoo rau neb, lwm taim yog maug tiaj no kuv mas nco ntxoov nrog qab los yau ua neb ib leej tub es thiaj tau nrog neb nyob es mas hlub neb mog” (sorry mum and dad, I couldn’t be a good daughter for you’s, if there is a next life I’ll remember to come back, and be born to be your son so I can live with you’s and love you’s okay)

The first thing I thought of was my parents and siblings and how I’m so sorry for not being able to be strong… My life was miserable and everything I do was never good enough for my husband and his family, I’m always the bad person and everything was my fault no matter how hard I try, but I couldn’t say anything, I’m so dumb, I’m so stupid… everything that ran through my mind was all negative, and I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t care about my children’s anymore, I’ve just had enough of all this and all I wanted was to kill myself and leave this world of suffering and pain…

I don’t remember much after that and everything was a blur…

I woke up, with a huge head ache, in my bed with my husband sitting beside me crying, he apologies and said that he didn’t want to lose me, and didn’t want his kids to be orphan’s… I never asked him how I got there as I was disappointed I didn’t succeed. And rumours spread everywhere in our Hmong Community about my suicidal attempted)

His relatives (kwv tij) demanded us to move out, and so they loaned us some money and we finally bought a house and life got much easier, but it didn’t mean the inlaws were out of the picture… I had more time on my hand and that’s when I started searching, searching for answers… What’s the meaning of life??… Why are there bad peoples in this world??… Why is life so hard??… Is there really a God???..  And why didn’t he hear my cries??.. Why me???… Why Why???… I had so many questions unanswered… I searched everywhere, internet, newspapers, and magazines. Anything that interested me I would study it… I even studied the bible, palmistry and Numerology aswel… But everytime I felt like my husband didn’t love me I would still tried to kill myself and cut my wrist or overdose on panadols… For 2 years I became very argumentative about everything, anything I though didn’t sound right to me, even thus I was wrong I didn’t stop until I was fully satisfy that I was really wrong…

He would always, constantly hit me everytime he wanted his way, or everytime I argued back.. His hitting got worser, as I got more and more argumentative. There would be times when he would strangle me or hit me til I lost conscious for who knows how long, and I would wake up with him crying  beside me, and apologizing to never do it again, but it still continue everytime we had an argument… So one day, as I was 8 months pregnant with my 5th child in 2006, I was so sick of his repeatedly hitting me, if he wanted to negotiate, then violent isn’t gonna solve anything, but just doing more damage to both of us, and worse it wasn’t healthy for our kids as they’re growing up. (I’ve come to a realization that hitting my kids was a bad way of disciplining my children’s, so I would sit my kids at the corner if they’ve misbehave, or make them write out an apology letter if they did something wrong. I would give them pocket money if they finish their chores, and if they chose not to do their chores then they chose not to get any money at all. I was a very rutin mother, and very strict with my rules I laid out… I teach my kids how life really is and no-one gets anything for free, so everyone have to work hard to get something, either if it’s emotional stuffs or physical stuffs, it’s all the same)…

This needed to stop and I’ll die trying if I had to… So that day he wanted me to wash his feet, but I couldn’t and didn’t want to cause I was too big to bend down, so we started arguing, and he started coming close to me, so I pushed him back so he won’t touch me, but he kept coming forward, and for the third time I pushed him back, I guess that made him angry and he charged at me and pushed me.. I could remember I flew backwards and lending on my head, then everything went blank… I woke up and was bleeding everywhere, my head hurted so much… I couldn’t think straight… All that was on my mind was “Oh my baby”… The ambulance came and took me to the hospital… My husband was crying and begging me to not tell on him if I loved him, so I lied and said I just fell over… The first thing I got to the hospital. The doctor took me straight for an ultrasound, but my baby was healthy and fine… After 3 nights staying in hospital I was able to come home, but the bleeding didn’t stop. The doctor did say that if anything were to happen I should return to hospital… The moment we got home, we booked an airplane ticket for my aunty up Innisfail to come down and check on my baby. (My aunty was old but knows of many traditional ways to locate the baby) As my father inlaw was a Shaman, he did this thing to help stop the bleeding, and so the bleeding slowed down… But nothing could help. A few weeks later I went into labour… As I was laying on the bed in the delivery room, the midwife came in and checked on me and how many centre meters I’ve dilated… Her face went pale white and quickly ran out of the room… I started panicking, the moment I saw her face expression… Seconds later she returned with an ultrasound machine and checked on the baby, and then she said slowly,

“We need to take you in for an emergency caesarean. Your baby is breech and distressed… You’re 7cm dilated but your baby is very high up so if the water is to break, there’s a chance his umbilical cord might come out first, and we wouldn’t want to risk that”

I was so scared; all I could think of was to save my baby… They couldn’t put me on anaesthetic so they put me to sleep instead… I don’t even record closing my eyes or going to sleep…

I started to slowly wake up and the first thing I felt was the PAIN, it stings and burns (it felt soo uncomfortable)… I could hear the voice of the midwife calling me. Everything was burry and pale white, they gave me my beautiful baby boy, but I was still very drowsy and couldn’t see him properly… My 4 older babies, I had them naturally and they never went above 3 kilos (very small babies), and because I’ve always worked alot around the house my contractions aren’t long, the longest contraction would only be 5 hours (which was my first child) So this was the worst I’ve experience in childbirth…( I was so glad my baby was well and healthy, and so I named him “Sparticus” a warrior who fights for peace and freedom, bringing justice to mankind… I hope that one day he’ll bring justice to our hmong peoples too)… I lost alot of blood so I was weak, I couldn’t even make milk or change my baby’s dipper… My husband had to do everything, he even bath me, dress me, comb my hair, every little thing he had to do (lol I love watching him suffer and being my slave for once keke)… Getting out of bed and getting back to bed was soo painful and needed his help too… I couldn’t even walk properly for 3 months… After this accident my husband never hit me anymore…

I was able to visit my biology parents more often, and because I went through more hardship then my other sister’s, I was more Hmongy and was more wiser… I went through hell and back, and I didn’t want any of my family members to go through the same. If they couldn’t speak up, then I’ll be their voice for them, holding their hands, walking each step with them… Even thus I wasn’t the oldest, everyone in my family, even my parents turned to me when they themselves experience difficulties. So I became their “Dr Phil”… But little did they know that I myself was in need of a “Dr Phil” too…

In 2007 after having my 6th child (as I got pregnant to quick and I wasn’t fully healed from my last caesarean, and had constant discharge throughout my pregnancy, so my doctor recommended I have another caesarean), months later I got very sick… I would shake cause I was cold, and my temperature got very high. I had pins and needles on my right arm and my right leg, and it felt like they were died. The right side of my abdominal hurted so much, and the pain was constantly there, I couldn’t breathe. So my husband ended up calling the ambulance and I was rush to the hospital. I later found out that I had appendicitis and went straight for an operation…

2 weeks later I was called in for a job as a sale assistant in a bakery store. I was so happy I finally had a job, but life wasn’t easy being a working mother of 6. There were times when I worked for 16 hours a day, comes back home and took care of my kids, getting their homework’s done, cleaning the house and preparing dinner.. It was a struggle everyday as I worked 7 days a week non-stop. The only thing keep me going was I needed the money. 5 months later my symptoms from my appendicitis came back and at that time I was working, so I had to call the boss and had someone to replace me, as I thought my appendix explored. We rushed to the hospital but later found out I had kidney stone and kidney infection. I ended up staying in hospital for 2 weeks. A week after coming home I return back to work, but my kidney wasn’t getting any better and a few weeks later ended back in the hospital… I couldn’t work anymore so I had to give up my job (I was so sad, as it was something I felt so proud of, the biggest achievement in my life)

Within that 5 months, I worked, we saved up to $7.000, so my parent inlaw wanted to go visit America, as their daughter lives in America, but they didn’t have the money and wanted to loan our’s (they kept our saving at their house)… So for once I wanted to do something positive towards my parent inlaw to show them how much I respected them. I wanted them to love me like how they loved their daughters, I didn’t want me or them to dwell on our pass, and to do so I had to take the first step in loving them first even thus they were just gonna take advantage of my gratitude, but I wouldn’t even mind, and I expected no returned from them… (Honestly from the bottom of my heart I wanted them to go there and have fun and come back and be happy and have no worries what so ever)… So we gave the $7.000 for them as a gift to enjoy life as they can. I would go sleep over the inlaws place on some weekends and help clean and cook for them… I took care of the house like I usually did when I was still living with them… I love them like how I loved my biology parents… I speak openly to them with alot of love and care, then I realised that all they wanted and needed was just my kind and loving words DD

Later that year I started a course called “Workout Program” a program for mum’s returning to the workforce, and every Tuesday we would have a supervisor who came and gives us lectures about believe in ourselves, love ourselves and to let go of all our baggers and much much more… That was when I became stronger and stopped my suicidal thoughts… My eyes were open to a better more positive outlook on life, and because of my many years of being “Dr Phil” I learnt how to express my feelings in a more positive way…

My parent inlaw’s now looks up to me (honestly I don’t hate them for all the wrong doings they’ve done to be, I am very grateful that she taught me well, I can now managed a whole Hmong party event all by myself)…  My husband on the other hand stopped gambling and is now a hard working husband with 2 jobs (I’m not the little girl I used to be and listen to everything he tells me, I’m now a grown up lady with a mind of my own, so we still have our differences. All tho I don’t love him as much anymore, and don’t think I can ever love him the same like how I used to, but I do believe there’s a reason why we’re put together in the first place, so I’m still standing strong)… (My husband is a very intelligent person with a very positive outlook on life. I know that deep down his a very good and kind person. I believed it was how he was raised to be, so I don’t blame him at all)… My kids has all grown up and helping me with house chores. I realised that the hardship I went through is what made me who I am today and I’m very grateful of that, all tho I am disappointed that I wasn’t strong enough to walk through it and attempted my escapes, but a mistake is a mistake and I can only learn from it and move on.. I was once an innocent little girl who once lived her life dedicated to love, but now that little girl has grown up and is now a proud mother of 6… I know I still need alot to learn and my journey to finding true happiness is still a long way to go, but with little steps at a time, I know I’ll get there one day cause I’m stronger now than I ever was before…

If I were given a second chance in life, I would still repeat everything as how it was layout for me… I’ve come to a realization that everything that happened to me, happened cause of how I acted and my personality… I was a very quite person who always keeps everything to myself, that’s why no-one really understood me or how I’m really like… So girls if you think that keeping it inside is better, I’m telling you it’s not… No-one will ever understand you if you don’t tell them how it’s like… but telling them doesn’t mean you should express everything from the bottom of your heart, cause sometimes it will hurts others if you’re too honest about your heart… So learn to express it in a positive way, with a positive explanation, so than you’ll have a positive outcome… I now look at every challenge in life as an opportunity to learn and grow in finding my way to live a fulfilling life…

I’m now only 28 years old and because of the many suicidal attempts, I now suffer from kidney failure. So everyone anyone who ever has any suicidal thoughts, please love yourself and give it a 2nd thought… Life isn’t about anyone but you and yourself, so do what you do best and do what you can, cause everything happens for a reason, and that reason is for you to learn and grow…  There’s gonna be good and bad things that we’ll encounter throughout our life’s, but nothing is right or wrong in this world we live in, it’s how we think of it that makes it seems to be that way… So stay true to yourself and live life to the fullest… And I hope with my life experience I share here can help open your eyes, my Hmong girls, nyabs and mums out there… And I know that overcoming one barrier doesn’t mean it’s over and it’s happily ever after; as there will be many more barriers ahead of us, so please don’t give up. There’s always a light at the end of every tunnel, so Please stay strong and Please keep fighting forward DD

By: Blia Yang
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